It’s that time of year again. The most anticipated sporting night of the year is almost upon us. And no, I’m not talking about the Super Bowl or March Madness or the World Series. I’m talking about WrestleMania, the Show of Shows, the Grandest Stage of Them All, the Showcase of the Immortals! Anyone who knows me, knows that I have never before had any interest in professional wrestling, and until recently I didn’t. A few weeks back I visited my sister, brother-in-law and new nephew. My brother-in-law has been a WWE fanatic since a young age, hero worshipping the Greats such as The Rock, the Undertaker and Booker T. Needless to say, my days were spent reading children’s books and my Monday nights spent watching WWE Raw. Once I got over the hokeyness of the show, I found myself surprisingly enjoying it. With two weeks of children’s stories and WWE Raw, I thought: why not combine the two? So in honor of the impending WrestleMania event tonight, here are some re-imagined famous children’s stories :
Orton Hurts a Who
“Follow the Buzzards” This take on the classic tales of the trickster rabbit follows Bray Wyatt and his backwoods family from feud to feud, both in and out of the ring. In these classic tales, we learn about Bray Wyatt’s youth in the backwoods and follows his family’s exploits in the WWE. The tales culminate in the path to Fastlane as the Pied Piper of Terror carries his lantern on to WrestleMania to face The Undertaker.
Harry Potter and the Hell in a Cell
With the Dark Lord defeated, Harry Potter and his gang are left to round up the rest of the Death Eaters and those loyal to Voldemort. When following the Undertaker, Harry unwittingly enters into the back breaking match: Hell in a Cell. Can he survive the battle of wits, brute strength, and pain to defeat the Undertaker, or will the Chosen One bow to the power of the Lord of Darkness?
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Undertaker
In this riveting tale, the Undertaker does a little soul searching after his heartbreaking loss to Brock Lesnar. Commandeering Prince Caspian’s ship, the Lord of Darkness sets course for the Land of the Undead. Will he make it back in time to put the final nail in the coffin for Bray Wyatt?
Jerry Spinelli does it again! Growing up was hard for Stardust, who never quite fit in at school and always lived in his brother’s shadow. A heartwarming tale of nonconformity, Stardust explores a whole new type of peer pressure: in a world of baggy pants and band t-shirts, Stardust chose a lycra suit and face paint. Hop on Stardust’s “happy wagon” and watch his journey unfold as he learns about the costs of popularity and brotherhood.
Andre, the BFG
Andre travels to Dream Country with the intentions of gathering nightmares to plague Hulk Hogan with the night before WrestleMania. Along the way he meets Sophie, a young orphan girl who helps him see the err in his ways and teaches him about the joys of snozzcucumbers and whizzpopping. Upon hearing of Sophie’s quest to stop the evil children-eating giants, Andre changes course to help put a stop to the Bloodbottler, the Bonecruncher, and the Fleshlumpeater. Is his wrestling prowess enough to stop the evil giants?
The Very Hungry Ryback
Beauty and the Beast
A follow up to Disney’s original classic based on the fairy tale by French novelist Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont, this installment of Beauty and the Beast follows Belle after she broke the prince’s curse. Once Beast turns back into a prince, Belle loses all attraction to him when she realizes she prefers a more beastly man. Soon after, she meets Brock Lesnar, the Beast, when he is training in Paris. The two begin a torrid love affair and Belle runs off with Brock, leaving the prince, his castle and his enchanted rose behind.
The Adventures of Sheamus the Sailor
After his final battle with Rusev and Mark Henry, Sheamus decided to sail the seven seas in search of the mythological sword Fragarach. Can Sheamus defeat Manannan mac Lir, the god of the sea to obtain the sword that no armor can stop, or will he be banished to the Otherworld by Manannan?
Goldilocks and the Uso Twins
Goldilocks picked the wrong beds this time! In her quest for the porridge and chair and bed that is “just right”, Goldilocks wandered into the wrong house. Upon returning home from one of their matches, the Uso Twins find the golden-haired brat in their room, having already ransacked their home and spilled porridge in their beds. She better watch out, because this Tag Team is about to Uso Splash her on out of here.
Happy reading and wrestling!
(all original images found on Google, with photoshop compilation by Jennifer Beth)