All I want for Valentine’s Day is a man with Ryan Gosling’s chiseled abs, Channing Tatum’s dance moves, Brad Pitt’s jawline, Ed Sheeran’s voice, Jared Leto’s eyes, Bobby Moynihan’s humor, Patrick Dempsey’s hair, and ages like George Clooney. Is that really too much to ask?
Apparently, not only is it too much to ask, but is also impossible for a 24 year old single girl who works second shift at a nursing home. Being single at a nursing home is one of the worst social experiences ever. Hearing everything from “You should settle down” to “Well who is going to take care of you when you’re my age?” to “A pretty girl like you? What’s wrong with you?”, I have come pretty close to wearing a fake engagement ring and photoshopping some celebrity into a photo with me and introducing him as my fiance just to avoid such unfortunate encounters.
So this Valentine’s Day, with nothing to look forward to but a good round of Candy Heart Bingo at work, I reflect on the 5 Stages of Being Single on V-Day:
1. I’m single as f***
Everyone but you is in a relationship, and you’re surrounded by lovesick idiots. Whether it’s roses and kisses and sappy love proclamations on Facebook or hand holding and gooey eyes on the streets, it feels like everyone around you is rubbing it in your face that you are completely single. Can you get any more single? Probably. The days surrounding this ill-fated holiday are saturated in red and pink and flowers, which to any single person are The Worst. As the day draws nearer and nearer you seem to get more and more single, can’t the day just be over now so you can stop wallowing in your complete aloneness. What are your Valentine’s Day plans, your friends ask. Wallowing in self pity you say.
2. Everything is RED
It’s as if the world is out to get you. You can’t step out of the house without being reminded of how single you are. The hot topics at work involve what your Valentine’s Day plans, what your sweetheart has planned for you, and how awful it must be to be single, which turns your disbelief and skepticism into molten lava rage. You want to punch every heart shaped balloon and box of chocolates. And the monstrosity that is heart shaped pizzas?! I would prefer mine to be perfectly ordinarily circular please. As the day draws nearer you develop a personal vendetta against everything red and heart shaped. You can’t even enjoy your emojis anymore.
3. Who Needs Love Anyways
What is today? February 14? Weird, must not have gotten the memo. Your anger and rage have dissipated into denial and blissful ignorance. I think I’ll stay in bed all day and wear sweatpants in honor of this hallowed day. Maybe eat my weight in chocolate and finally clean up my e-mail inbox. What is that you say, there are other fish in the sea? Well, I don’t particularly like fishing.
4. Treat ‘Yo Self
You decide to take this day as your personal holiday: it’s all about you, girlfriend! Whether it’s a Galentine’s Day celebration with your gal pals, a spa day on your own, or a shopping spree, bank statements and calories don’t exist. The sky’s the limit, and you are pulling out all the stops. Things are beginning to look up, Valentine’s Day could be enjoyable. If couples can have a special day, you can too. Seize the day, bask in the love in the air. Embrace your singleness and OWN IT.
5. Que Sera Sera
It’s the day of and your emotions are all over the place, but you’ve come to accept the fact that you will be spending the day alone. At this point you’ve come to terms with it all and have a sense of freedom: anything could happen now that you have no plans and no one to tie you down. You’re on cloud nine with no expectations for the day to let you down. Enjoy your freedom, this rollercoaster of emotions only comes once a year!
Happy Valentine’s Day, Muses!